Friday, November 18, 2011

Step Right Up

Has anyone else had a fear of feeling the blade cut them during surgery? Especially during a C-section when you're awake? Or waking up during surgery? I chalk these fears up to reality TV. 

Having a C-section is a helpless feeling. You lay awake on a cold table in a cold white room with your arms tied down out to your side. There is a blue drape angled up from your stomach over your head so you aren't able to see the operation. Lots of machines hooked up to the mother. You can't feel anything from your ribs down. I know the end result is the same whether a mom gives birth in a birthing room or in an OR. In the end, a baby is born.

But having a baby for me is about the experience. It's the process, the journey of this tiny being emerging from the warmth and safety of my womb, to the shock of the physical world. To me, it is the most connected I have ever felt to myself. Physically, spiritually and emotionally it is one heck of a ride. Very intimate and extremely powerful. I had a wonderful experience with the birth of our son and I wept what I was missing with my baby girl. Now we were focusing on saving our lives and getting through the pain.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

It's Been A While

It's been a while since I posted. I know the social media books say a blogger is supposed to post everyday, but frankly, it was getting overwhelming for me. That's because I have been dealing with Post Traumatic Stress from my delivery of Katie 4 years ago.

I have since learned it is common for mother's who have had a traumatic birthing experience to suffer from PTSD. Post partum depression is covered in the birthing books, but how to deal with post-traumatic birth isn't a hot topic. But nothing is normal with a premature birth so why should I expect this topic to fall within the same "this is normal" category.

Panic attacks, racing images of the day, triggered by sounds, senses and sights can lead me into feeling out of control and right back in the space of near death. Another learning curve 4 years later when I had thought I had healed and moved passed the trauma of the day leading up to and the day of her birth. But again, as life has shown me, nothing is normal when you have a premature baby.

How do you cope when your memories are as vivid as the day they occurred?